A Renewed Sense of Self
I took a break from jewellery last year.
Thing is last year felt really weird. I was suddenly pulled outside of my familiar ways. A result of the so-called spiritual awakening. Staying away from the taken-for-granted societal meaning of power play, working, asserting one’s existence by seeking attention etc and reinvent that for myself.
And the trap of that is you start to think there’s a crystal clear definition of things. This is the spiritually evolved way of doing things and that the deprived or derivative way. You realised by escaping from the fake rules you created more rules for yourself. And then you decided to never create rules, which becomes another rule. Trapped in that cycle of mind debate.
So that’s half of last year. My mind was always so busy trying to work out a solution to this or that, putting a name to this and problematising that.
The rest of the time it’s the so-called emptiness.
Taking the time to observe the vein of the skin and the other hidden details of life. Sounds very idyllic but the reality is this heightened sensation and awareness of what vibes with me or not makes everyday life so difficult. My muscles felt tense in front of any form of cultural consumption depicting adulthood. I don’t mean those books and films and tv shows are loaded with shit. Just a feeling of no curiosity at all. The same goes for everything I was once so passionate about. Getting new clothes and making jewellery etc. But I just felt so irritated seeing a wardrobe full of my old favourite styles.
I shaved my hair as it felt like the most apt. No style at all. I spent most of my time with yarns and cooking videos. I know it’s a phase I just needed patience. But it’s so hard trying to figure out everything with your feelings only. Gradually some old feelings revisited me. Imagination going wild watching the texture of the wall. Spending the whole day listening to music to figure out my taste (and realised it didn’t change from age 13).
I realised in the last few years I was too immersed in that idea of adulthood, the “should be” ways. Now I want to live a more wishful and wilful life, just because.
